so, I’ve decided that in this life, the only thing a person needs to truly be happy is someone to hold them.

I don’t even necessarily mean one particular person to hold them, it could be dozens. Hundreds even, if you are one to encounter that many people and to have them care enough for you to hold you. I just… miss human contact. Hugs and kisses are nice… but i miss being held.

I miss laying on the couch with my head in mom’s lap for hours at a time. I miss cuddling with Kein and just talking about nothing and everything and playing 20Q. I miss being enclosed in my Dad’s arms because I needed it. I miss crying and holding onto my uncle lon’s shirt so tight, I left an imprint of my fist in the cloth. I miss snuggling under the blankets with Lea as we watch Audrey Hepburn movies. I miss laying my head on Alex’s shoulder as we talked about life. I miss laying in bed with Katie for hours on end, talking and watching movies and being stupid. I miss falling asleep on Kein just because I know he lets me because I’m me. I miss holding hands with everyone, if even only to cross the street.

I hate feeling isolated. I hate shoving my hands in my pockets when I walk with my friends so I don’t reach out and touch our palms together in affection. I hate smiling and laughing with someone, but not feeling comfort enough to hug them for more than a split second. I hate wanting to hold my temple to the curve of a friend’s shoulder and not knowing them well enough to know if they would let me.

I like contact. I’m not a touchy feely person. I don’t do Public Displays of Affection. I hate kissing people with more passion than a sibling would allow, whether I’m dating them or not. I don’t like kissing lips. I love corners of lips, and cheeks so people don’t get the wrong impression. Foreheads are wonderful and noses, even better. But I just don’t kiss lips, unless they belong to a family member. I was raised to make contact, though. I need another person’s touch to get through the day.

I don’t like hanging on people. I despise kissing, as I have already mentioned. I just like contact. I like being held. I like having others want to be that close to me without thinking about sex. I like when affection is shown with bodies instead of words. “I love you” “You’re my best friend” “You’re amazing” they’re only words. But a demure smile, a lacing of fingers, a forehead to a shoulder, legs brushing together beneath schoolroom desks; these say so much more.

I miss being held. I miss human contact. I miss people and having them close to me. But I can’t fix that if no one is around to be close to.

And it’s the summer. No one wants to cuddle and snuggle under blankets and lay together. It’s too hot. It’s too much contact. It’s just too much. And I don’t feel comfortable asking that of someone that is only a friend and not more. I just.. miss it.

I miss being held. I miss someone wanting to hold me.